Wish someone got these garbage out of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

"Watch it lady, the glaze is blinding...my eyes, my eyes!!! I can't see a thing"

Old footage – Come on Michael, you get millions as budget and you can’t shoot some new scenes instead of stuffing in footage which we have already seen in your previous flicks? We have seen that same aerial shot of the US Navy fleet in Pearl Harbour, Armageddon, and Transformers. Adding a dozen CGI protoforms to the visual doesn’t make it any different. Call Pentagon. They’ll be glad to help you out. After all, you are the unofficial advocate of the US military. We know that you have their number on speed dial. Use it.

This isn’t over yet. What about the VFX shots carried over from the first movie? The Autobot arrival visuals in TF1 stepped in to show the arrival of Decepticons in TF2. The shot of the Predator UAV from the first movie made its way too. Where the hell is all that money going? $200 million is no small sum.

Perverted Wheelie – The R/C truck lookalike starts off as a perverted Decepticon and ends up as a “licensed to be a pervert” Autobot. He is too much obsessed with Megan Fox and as the movie progresses she seems to like him too. That includes the way he holds on to her legs with his spoilt mind busy at work. I opted for a more decent way of putting across what he actually did. If the impact of that statement on the reader isn’t convincing, then I’d say, watch the movie and you’ll comprehend with utmost clarity.

Skids’ gold teeth – I haven’t got complaints of racism and stereotyping when it comes to Skids and Mudflap. So what if they speak like the hip-hop crowd? It isn’t that bad. But the gold teeth took things a bit too far.

Shia Labeouf’s constant screaming – Once you get out of the theatre, you’ll remember a few lines from the movie. But more than any of them, the ones that you will remember with vivid imagery will be Labeouf screaming out “Optimus” and “BumbleBee”. It sounds cool once or twice. But we can’t take it all along. All right, he needs the Autobots when the bad company turns up in full force and with the frequency with which explosions happen around him, he has to scream. But it gets on our nerves after a while.

Megan Fox running in slow motion – This is not a TV series on lifeguards with perfect bodies. This is not Bay Watch and that means there is no urgent need of a hottie running in slow motion and that too in the middle of a war. By the way, the ladies will be very keen to know which brand of lip stick Megan Fox used while filming. No matter what she does, it still shines like wet paint. If a full blown battle in the middle of a desert can’t rob the lip gloss of its shine, the fairer sex may be very much interested in buying it even if it costs a king’s ransom.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - "Yeaaaah" and "Wow" Moments

Sideswipe slicing Sideways in half in a clean sweep as if the latter is made of butter. The skater somersaults over Sideways who is in his alternate mode (an Audi R8) and flings his sword right into the front of the Decepticon. As he comes down he reconnects the sword back to his arm while he is airborne. Tasty part, the baddie is still on the run and the sword is still thrust deep into his hood. A bit of physics here. Since Sideways is fleeing in the opposite direction of Sideswipe, the forward motion of the car makes the whole process of cutting it in half much more easier for the Autobot. All that he had to do was to stay still with a firm grip on the sword. (Thank you Einstein) Don't miss Swipe's bragging, "Damn, I'm good". Yes, you are Swipe. Yes you are. More of similar antics in TF3, please.

Optimus Prime’s intro. He is a sight to behold, be it in robot mode or truck mode. Prime uses his privileges as the Autobot leader to good use. For the Shanghai battle, he is airdropped from a C-17 military transport aircraft. As the jet circles the night skies of Shanghai, the cargo door opens up giving us the first glimpse of Prime in his truck form. He drives out into sheer nothingness and freefalls into the urban warzone miles below. The Autobot leader transforms mid-air into his robotic form, deploys the parachute to slow down the fall, cuts off the chute cables, lands and transforms back to the truck form, all in a matter of seconds. None could stop us from whistling and cheering him on.

Bumblebee’s intro scene. He goes right through the garage door, transforms and pulverizes a section of Sam’s home while killing the furious robots in the kitchen. What followed was twice as much fun as Bee gets scolded for his annihilative pest control techniques. The way he tries to reason with Sam, that too without saying a word and his expression of despair of having messed it all up, were thoroughly enjoyable. No wonder everyone loves him so much.










Bumblebee’s melodramatic act when he realizes Sam is not going to take him along to college. After watching that scene, how many of you didn’t wish you had an alien robot in your garage?

Optimus and Bumblebee gate crashing Megatron’s “let’s take Sam’s brain” party. Technically it wasn’t gate crashing as Optimus landed right into the middle of it crashing through the roof while Bee chose to break in through the wall as he couldn’t find the gate.

Optimus Prime’s fight to the death. The Autobot leader took on three of his rivals with so much brute force and power that we knew it wasn’t going to end well. After being hurled away by Megatron’s energy cannon attack, he picks himself up, spits out some metal teeth and goes full throttle again. That’s precisely what his real life counterparts (read action heroes) would do. The twin sword fight to the death saw him taking off Starscream’s arm and ripping apart Grindor’s head. The final battle with the Fallen came nowhere close to this devastating brawl which culminates in Optimus’ death. Theme hunters, here’s your line, “If I’m destroyed, so shall you be.” Did I just steal KARR’s line from Knight Rider? Yes, I did with all the legality, as it was the same voice actor who lent his vocal cords to Optimus and KARR – Peter Cullen.

Bumblebee drawing out the spine and tail of hyper-aggressive Ravage in one clean pull. Must I say, he does so in slow motion? Reminded me of a gluttonous kid who wipes the ice candy stick clean. It doesn’t end there as Bee uses the spine-tail combo as a whip for sometime lashing it out at an impending Decepticon.

The formation of Devastator. We didn’t know which vehicle was forming which part of the giant Decepticon. None of us really cared as we were more dumbstruck by what was happening onscreen. The near 30 second assembling time was sheer breath taking.

BumbleBee again, kneeling down hopelessly and noticeably heartbroken as the paramedics pronounce Sam dead. This may not necessarily qualify as one which evokes excitement or generates applause. But the scene was one of the few real gems in this explosion-laden quarry. P.S. I love the quarry!

Optimus Prime encore, taking off to the skies powered by Jetfire’s parts. The war cry in the first movie was “Autobots, roll out”. In TF2 as he lifts off, Optimus gives us the new battle cry, “Let’s roll” and the crowd erupts.

Four times the charm, Optimus emerging from behind the Sphinx, shaking off the jet engines and striking an Arnold inspired pose, all in slow motion.

The weaponry that’s on show during the 30 minute climax. I don’t even know the names of all those military gear which rallied past during that half an hour of combat. Fighter jets, bombers, hovercrafts, airborne gunships, UAVs, aircraft carriers, frigates, missile launchers, tanks and the inevitable Humvees – the list is endless and I wouldn’t dare to speak about the rest of Uncle Sam’s garage machinery in the movie. This movie could double up as a recruitment drive video for the US Armed Forces. Bay makes it all look so damn cool. The big question is, what more will be on display in TF3?

Dus bahane karke le gaye dil...10 good excuses to adore Optimus

Here they are. Those 10 lines which sound cool when spoken by Optimus Prime. Dialogue courtesy : The Late Show with David Letterman

10. Jergens lotion leaves my hands silky smooth.
9. Do you have these khakis in a size 114?
8. My perfect night involves a pint of Haagen-Dazs and season three of “Sex and the City.”
7. Man, do I love me some ‘taters.
6. It was so hot in Central Park today, I saw a squirrel rubbing sunblock on his nuts.
5. You seemed a little pitchy, dawg.
4. Brody Jenner has added you as a friend on Facebook.
3. Live from New York…It’s Saturday Night.
2. My parents wanted me to be a rabbi.
1. All the slammin’ shorties in the house say “yeah.”

I'd love to have line number 4 as an added feature on my social networking website account. Number 10 and 4 are personal favourites and number 1 is delivered by Optimus with all his charisma.

Post TF2, non-critical advice to Michael Bay

"Are you listening or should we borrow your megaphone to make you listen?"

Watched TF2. Totally awesome. The bots, the battles, the military hardware, the cars, the detailed CGI, the package was stunning and as you promised before filming, TF2 was Bay'os. But I guess, success has gone into your head. An invasion in there as well, Mr. Bay? Brace yourself for some useful unapologetic comments. If it makes any difference, I'm a follower of Bay'os. Here it goes.

Please don’t take us for granted. Just because we like the characters and the action, you can’t ignore the fact that you are making a movie and not a trailer. Bloopers account to an all time record of 50+ in Revenge of the Fallen. Some of them can be disregarded as insignificant. But even if we forget the insignificant ones, we just can’t forgive the continuity errors. We do like your “love me or hate me, I just don’t care” attitude. At a time when everyone’s getting all stressed up about making action movies darker and grimmer, it’s good to have someone like you who insists on making it more fun. No one can make pyrotechnics look good on screen like you and no one can replicate the visual style of your frames.

Don’t listen to your critics. But do listen to those who swear by you and put down their money for your movies. They happen to be the only line of defense which comes in between your career and its doom. My word of advice will be, take a break from Transformers for a while. Work on a couple of projects with Bruckheimer and then come back. Meanwhile someone can try their luck with Optimus and company. If you are too possessive about the franchise, then stay but make use of the executive producer’s directorial prowess. Spielberg has a profound knowledge of the sci-fi/action genre and will always have some ideas on how to make the audience pay attention, without blowing stuff up non-stop.

Revenge finds its way to India

Finally after all those days of prayers, uncertainty and impatience, Transformers landed on Indian theatres. From July 10, around 260 movie theatres opened to sounds of explosions, screeching tyres, metal clanging, and Shia LaBeouf’s shouts. Did I miss something? Yes, Megan Fox and all those war gear which will make every guy out there whistle and pant, joined the bandwagon in Michael Bay’s robogasmic extravaganza.

I couldn’t catch a show on the first day, though that had been my intention since the day I knew that the 2007 blockbuster would have a sequel. So I opted for the next best shot – second day’s first show. 10 minutes late, thanks to the traffic and I missed the amazing Shanghai battle sequence plus the opening credits. Show-goers remarked that I had missed an awesome fight, especially Sideswipe slicing Sideways in half. Had seen it in trailers, but missed it on the big screen. So I’ll be watching the movie once more or may be twice more. Yes, I do understand the twitching eyebrow. But sample this reasoning, it’ll be another two or three years before we get to see these bots in action again. 2011 or may be 2012 is being considered as a prospective release date for the third movie. So I have plenty of time to relax my ear drums after the three-time watch.

I’ll key in my thoughts post the “three times the charm” antic.

Funny video of Optimus Prime in The Late Show with David Letterman - totally hilarious

After a long tough day of saving Sam Witwicky and battling the Decepticons, Optimus Prime decided to take an evening off to entertain the tele audience. Stand up comedies still have a decent number of viewers. Probably, Prime is thinking of making some quick dollars for a new paint job.

I laughed so much after seeing this video of Optimus Prime in The Late Show with David Letterman. It's absolutely hilarious with Optimus Prime reading out lines which are totally not his cup of tea...err...oil. "Ten Things That Sound Cool When Spoken By a Giant Robot" section of the programme where Letterman introduces Optimus to deliver some silly one-liners is a delight to watch. The way he enunciates each one of them in his characteristic voice is an absolute treat. Save the applause for the brilliant marketing team of TF2 and of course the CGI experts who rendered Optimus specifically for this show. Brilliant sound editing and sound design as well. The way he walks in carefully so that he doesn't knock something over and the panache with which he played it off does make the whole thing click. Letterman, as always played along with his charm and sense of humour. I know that you won't miss to appreciate Peter Cullen for lending his voice to the Autobot.

Transformers sequel erupts

So while proving its worst critics terribly wrong, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen raked in a massive $108 million in its opening weekend in US. This event launches TF2 to the top of the 2009 releases opening weekend toppers list. Michael Bay's bombastic robot wars movie has been lapped up by audience from around globe with equal fanfare. Within a span of 6 days it collected a quickfire $419 million in total. $214 million is the current figure at the US box office. With aggression it is chasing down the box office figure of every single movie which released in 2009. In a few days Star Trek, Angels and Demons will be bowing down before Tf2's victory run. If the pace is maintained, it could very well pose a threat to the elite $1 billion movies as well. Watch out Dark Knight!

Revenge is coming to US tomorrow

Finally the big day is here. In a couple of hours from now, the biggest movie of the year will hit theatres in Uncle Sam's land. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen did please the Queen's countrymen in the UK with a blistering opening weekend of £8.35m. With ease, it beat the records set by this year's summer flicks Terminator Salvation and Star Trek. The takings were a bit lower than the record breaker - The Dark Knight, which stood at £8.6m.

The foreign market cash count right now is a total of $19 million. Almost $14 million of this total comes from UK, Ireland and Malta. The rest can be attributed to the fans in Japan. Still unimpressed? Point to mark, it's barely 4 days since the day it set the first theatre screen on fire.

As for the US opening weekend predictions, expect the three day rake to be in the range of $80-100 million. Keeping my fingers crossed, as I don't want this to be a humiliating failure like Terminator Salvation.

Autobot Bruce? Naah...

Before you jump to conclusions, let me clarify. This is not Bumblebee's long lost younger brother, if he has one. This humble Chevrolet Cruze is the handiwork of a Transformer's fan from China. The Chevrolet Camro was an expensive car for him and the special edition is yet to to be launched.

So our fanboy went ahead and bought a Cruze which happens to be a practical family car and not a powerhouse. To make up for the loss of the real Bee, he added decals and the twin stripes and we have to give him a pat on the back for his work. The detailing is immaculate. It does look purposeful and doesn't pass off as just another sticker job.

So Chevrolet, how about a Cruze, next time in TF3? Make him an Autobot. If the Chevy Volt can be the Autobot Jolt, may be Cruze can join the team as...Bruce (?) . Meanwhile I can transform my pick up truck (if I had one) to turn it into Ironhide. Bull bars, roll cage, chunky off-road tyres, rocket launchers, laser canon...did I go too far?

Take home your own Bumblebee Camaro...life size

GM is all set to cash in on the Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen buzz. Rumour has it that Chevrolet is planning to launch a special edition Camaro along the lines of the Bullit Mustang from arch-rival, Ford. The car will have Bumblebee and Autobots splashed all over it(not literally). If the tip is accurate, Sam Witwicky wannabes will be able to book their own Bumblebees on the same date of the movie release. Do I have to say that date is June 24th?

Hope it doesn't relieve on someone's head like the real Bumblebee did in the movie. GM must be infusing some manners along with goodies like the Autobot insignia on the inside and on the special wheels.